


Plaid Madness

by k_rose_m (Flipkat)



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-03
Updated: 2012-12-03
Packaged: 2017-11-20 03:44:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,898
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/580953
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Flipkat/pseuds/k_rose_m
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Eridan, upon finding he is unwanted but necessary, swaps himself out for a female version. The collective reaction is:</p><p>"WTF?</p><p>...Well, OK...</p><p>...OH SHIT</p><p>SHE'S HOT</p><p>WHAT DO?"</p><p>Minor note: This was before the part of the kinkmeme where the nook-bulge combo anatomy came into vogue.</p><p>My first posted fill! I think I've done better since, but it was still a ton of fun to write.<br/>From a prompt here, for Eridan getting switched with a female version of himself that everyone finds attractive: http://homesmut.livejournal.com/5183.html?thread=2228543#t2228543</p>
            </blockquote>





	Plaid Madness

Later, Karkat can’t remember how it all started. He’d been raging at Eridan, yeah, nothing new there, and somehow the conversation (if you could call it that) had come around to the seatroll’s utter uselessness.  
“ _Worse_ than useless, actually! Hell, if you were _useless_ , you’d at least be _harmless!_ I’d almost say we’d be better off without you, if I didn’t think that would upset the balance of this shitty universe somehow!!”  
Eridan glared balefully at him, huffing for breath; they’d been shouting at each other for so long that everyone else had chosen to slip quietly away and leave them to it, leaving the lab strangely deserted.  
“…So wwhat you’re sayin,” he grated finally, “is that you’d be better off wwith someone else, ANYONE else, but me.”  
“Yes! That is EXACTLY what I am trying to say!”  
Karkat couldn’t believe it; had he finally gotten his point across? He watched, a bit curiously, as Eridan drew himself up to his full height, probably in an attempt to look regal, or maybe imposing. What it really looked was conceited. He turned with a snap of his cape.  
“Fine, then. I’ll see wwhat I can do.” Eridan muttered, looking back over his shoulder while storming sulkily over to the transportalizer.  
“…Wait, _what?_ ”

Several hours later, Karkat had forgotten the whole thing, partly because it was stupid and partly because Sollux had started giggling manically from behind a giant pile of broken robot parts, and that was much more worrisome. He must have been in a mood, Karkat knew; it was just hard to tell which one. A babble of confused voices around the transportalizer distracted him.  
“What-”  
“-the _hell?_ ”  
“Whoa.”  
“AUGH!”

With sinking heart, he turned to look, and was greeted by a vision of  
_“Eridan?!?”_  
striding towards him, but that _couldn’t_ be Eridan, because he was wearing –  
\- His hair in pigtails, for one thing. Pigtails with _pink ribbons_ , but the same stupid glasses. His cape was gone, and his shirt had been replaced by a pair of striped arm warmers and a black tube top showing off subtle curves. The bare shoulders and midriff were only momentarily distracting, though, because there was _also_ –  
\- A pair of tall, high-heeled boots, laced nearly all the way up to his knees. Above them, striped stockings leading to…  
Karkat’s brain defied him in describing that skirt. It managed “red” and “plaid” and “ruffled” and also “just long enough to conceal what it must while simultaneously short enough to seem to reveal EVERYTHING” and he stopped himself right there, because not only was that train of thought being driven by the wrong head, it had also apparently jumped the tracks on a one-way trip to Quadranttown, with _Eridan _of all people, and he didn’t have time for that shit right then. There were just so many _questions_.__

Those questions were _compounded_ when, after glancing around the room, the barely-dressed spectacle made a beeline straight for him, stuck out a hand and said, “Karkat, right? I’m Ridane.”  
“Wha- buh- huh?” Karkat spluttered.  
Eridan – Ridane? frowned, and held up a note. “This says you’re the reason I’m here.”  
“Let me see that!”  
“Hey!”  
Grabbing the note out of the other troll’s hands, Karkat glanced it over. Then, disbelieving, he read it over again more slowly; it was too much to take in at a glance. 

__“TO MY OTHER SELF:  
If you’re readin this, I have swwapped places with you, since it wwas made abundantly clear to me that I needed to find a replacement. Don’t mind the bloody circle on the floor; I used it as a filter to pull the correct indivvidual from a parallel univverse. You should be similar enough to me to fit in here. Don’t bother wworrying about me because nobody wwill anywway. Wwherevver I am can’t be wworse to me than this place. Here’s a rundowwn on the people you’ll meet:”  
And sure enough, the first name on there was his own.  
“KARKAT: Grey symbol, nubby horns, sour expression. He’s the reason you’re here.”  
It was followed by many more; Karkat had time to note such pithy entries as “EQUIUS: Swweaty, subservvient, and STRONG. Avvoid!” and “TAVVROS: Giant horns, stammers a lot. Don’t mess wwith him or you’ll piss off Gamzee” before the paper was gently removed from his hands. Reluctantly, he looked up at her (?). 

__“So…you’re really…”  
“Ridane,” she repeated, grinning and grabbing his hand this time, pumping it in greeting a few times before she finally released him; her grip was surprisingly strong. There was so much he wanted to know, but when he opened his mouth, the first thing that made it out was, “Holy fuck, you mean that loser tried something that actually WORKED for once?!”  
Her face fell a bit at that. “That bad?…My counterpart?” But whatever he was going to answer got lost in a grinding roar and shriek of laughter from Sollux as a half-broken robot launched itself into the air, sparks and small pieces flying everywhere. There was a sudden desperate scramble for the transportalizer, much flailing, and assorted yelling and screaming. 

“All of you GET DOWN!”  
Ahab’s Crosshairs had appeared in her hands; Karkat noted absently that she had Eridan’s rings, as well. She got off a few shots from the hip that didn’t do more than graze the thing, skewing its flight a little. Grimacing, she made a small “chk” sound before raising the gun to her shoulder to sight along it, following the robot’s flight for a moment before firing.  
DOOF!  
The robot fell to the ground, nearly split in half from the searing white bolt.  
There was a stunned silence that seemed to stretch on far too long. 

Finally Ridane spoke. “-Well? -What the hell’s the matter with you all? You’re not going to let a little thing like that shake you, are you? I may not be from around here, but I know _my_ friends are tougher than that!”  
There was a muttered chorus of “uh”s and “huh?”s.  
The accent was all wrong, Karkat realized. The slurring of the letters had been replaced by a sort of -hesitation. This _couldn’t_ be Eridan. It would have been _way too weird_ for him to overreact at quite this level to what had been no more than a typical argument. Strange as it sounded, it was more likely that Ridane was for real.  
But that wasn’t how the story was supposed to go, was it? Shouldn’t it have started with the introduction of the heroine instead of a fight between two guys? Irritably, he shook off the thought; he’d obviously been reading too many romances and not enough sci-fi. 

“Listen to yourselves! No, listen to ME! -We’ve all been through a lot of shit, and we may not know what’s coming next, but no way in HELL are we going down without a fight!”  
There was passion, and firm conviction, in her voice. The mood in the room lifted dramatically, and Karkat could feel his spirits buoyed up as if by a rising tide. Was _this_ what Eridan could have been all along? Prince of _Hope?_ The potential was there for her to be more manipulative than Vriska, but her goal seemed to be something else entirely. Judging by the way she dressed, she and Eridan were probably after the same thing, and he wanted no part of it. Karkat resolved he would not be getting into _anything_ with Ridane: not a romance, not stupid fights, not her skirtWHERE THE HELL DID THAT THOUGHT COME FROM?! As a knot of excited trolls crowded around her, all babbling at once, he realized his questions would have to wait. 

************* 

A few days passed and Ridane seemed to have settled in, getting along well with everyone, and laughing at herself whenever she slipped up on a name or a reference; they’d brought her up to date on their session and its troubled end. In the meantime, Eridan’s final note had been abandoned in favor of her getting to know each of the other trolls more personally. After some initial agreeable lamenting on the Veil’s lack of large bodies of water, it turned out she didn’t have much to discuss with Feferi, so they mostly avoided each other. Vriska had briefly attempted to kindle a kismesis with “the replacement Eridan,” but soon gave it up in exasperation as nearly everything she said made Ridane burst out laughing for some reason. Today she was spending some time with a few trolls she’d barely had a chance to meet: Nepeta and Tavros and…  
“Oh! Uh…” Ridane paused uncomfortably.  
“Kanaya.” the other offered gently.  
Ridane smacked her forehead, looking embarrassed. “Right, ‘Kanaya,’! All I could think of was that it couldn’t be ‘Yana,’ sorry!”  
“If the similarity of our names to those of your old friends confuses you, perhaps you might call us by only the initial bits of our names? You could shorten them each to a single syllable. I do not think anyone would take offense.”  
Resting her cheek on one finger, Ridane considered. “So…I could call you ‘Kan’ then?”  
Her reply was a soft smile. “I would be happy to answer to that name.” 

****************

It took Sollux a while to lay his plans, but he finally came up with some appropriate bait.  
“An apology,” he offered sweetly, “for that robot attacking you.”  
“Dinner, you say?” Ridane bit her lip uncertainly. Karkat, sitting across the room, realized she could probably have used a few pointers on “the graceful refusal,” but bringing it up now would be too obvious, as well as provoking the question of where he’d learned it in the first place. If there was one thing he didn’t want to do right then, it was inspire more ribbing from Sollux on the matter of his preferences in literature.  
Ridane was still wavering. “-Well…I suppose…If you feel you must…”  
“Oh, yeth. I thimply _mutht._ ”  
Judging by that tone, Sollux was probably leering at her now, Karkat thought, but he didn’t have the guts to look; he didn’t want to draw their attention. Thus, he failed to notice Ridane’s fleeting backward glance at him as Sollux escorted her out of the room. 

************ 

“-Well! I must admit I was a bit apprehensive at first, but this has been quite nice!”  
Privately, Sollux thought it had _better_ be nice for the amount of effort he’d put into it. Having a tasty meal next to a window with a view of shooting stars was about as romantic as he could manage to be unassisted, and like _hell_ was he asking Karkat for help. Time to pull out the smooth moves.  
“Tho, Ridane,” he began, edging closer, “Were you an ocean-dweller like Fef?”  
She smiled at him, blushing a bit. “No, but I did enjoy swimming every chance I got.”  
They gazed at each other in silence for a bit; he fancied he can feel sparks flying between them already. Eventually she gave a bemused chuckle. “You’re not much like my initial assessment led me to believe.”  
That piqued his curiosity. “The sheet Eridan left? Why, what did it thay?”  
“Er…”  
“Oh, jutht TELL ME already!” It’s not like he’d care what it said as long as she didn’t believe it, right?  
Ridane looked a bit startled by his outburst, but faltered on, “…It called you a…‘two-toned psionic freak’ and, um, ‘lowblood,’ or rather ‘lowwblood scum’ and said you ‘wweren’t wworth the effort.’”  
First he was so mad he can’t see straight; then his head cleared and he spit out a bitter laugh, wringing a napkin between his hands viciously. HE hadn’t been worth the effort?! How could Eridan infuriate him so thoroughly when he wasn’t even AROUND?! Ridane was looking rather alarmed; evidently she was rethinking her previous rethinking. Dammit. He struggled to get himself back under control.  
“Don’t give that puffed-up creep another thought,” he stressed, as much to himself as to her. “You’re _tho much more_ than he could ever hope to be.”  
She blushed a little more at that, and he calmed down a bit. After all, it wasn’t like he hadn’t wooed a fish-girl before. They couldn’t be _that_ different, right? Turning on the charm again, he gave her his most winning smile. “Tho! Where were we?” 

******************

As it turned out, what really sunk the date (so to speak) was when he started making sea-dweller puns. Perhaps it was his lisp, or the fact that they looked better written down than they sounded when spoken aloud, or the way he kept inching closer with every increasingly-lame line. Whatever the reason, Ridane looked more and more put off the longer he continued, until she finally had to ask, or rather demand, that he stop.  
“If you want me to ‘shove off,’ just thay tho.”  
An angry swat knocked him back, with an accompanying cry of “JUST CUT IT OUT!”  
Desperately, he attempted a final rally. “Or what, you’ll ‘keel’ me?”  
The icy glare she leveled at him before stomping out almost _did_ , he recounted afterwards, miserably. Karkat wasn’t sure whether to congratulate him for trying, berate him for being a stupid skirt-chaser, commiserate with him over his failed attempt, or ~~rejoice in the fact that one of his rivals had been shot down~~ definitely not that last one. 

****************** 

The confrontation with Equius was probably inevitable, but it still wound up being kind of unexpected. It went down something like this: Equius had finally worked up the nerve to actually speak to Ridane while she was still in the room, albeit on her way out the door; impressive, as he was usually totally tongue-tied until she’d been gone for half an hour.  
“Miss Ridane  
May I have a word?” It seemed his habit of speaking in choppy sentences got even more pronounced when he was flustered.  
She half-turned back toward him, cocking her head and putting a hand on one hip.  
“-Well? Go on then.”  
He was sweating pretty heavily, now, and tried to force his words out all in a rush.  
“While I must confess  
I find you attractive  
And as a highb100d you are certainly entitled to wear what you want  
I must also admit I find your garments distracting  
And rather more 100d than is befitting –”  
Laughing, she cut in “-Would you rather I took them OFF, then?”  
Equius, now drenched, couldn’t manage to form a reply. Still laughing, Ridane left; a heartbeat later, Nepeta appeared beside her dripping friend, with a knowing look and a stack of towels that reached almost up to her eyes.  
(He needed ALL OF THEM.) 

*******************

Karkat marched toward the computer lab. He wasn’t looking for Ridane. No, that was ridiculous. He didn’t particularly want to troll anyone, but he was just going there to…be sociable. Right. Because that’s what people did. As he approached, he noticed Sollux curled up on the floor by the transportalizer. “What the hell are you doing down there?” he demanded, momentarily too busy shooing plaid visions out of his head to muster concern. His answer was a moan. 

“Ridane…she’s in there…” 

“Right…?” 

Sollux twitched spasmodically, gripping his knees tighter.  
“…eating a _banana…”_

Karkat was hit with a sudden need to be anywhere that wasn’t the computer lab. Fuck, he hadn’t even _seen_ that, and now it was never going to leave his memory. Those sultry eyes, those luscious lips closed around firm fruit, ( _that skirt_ ) – perhaps a cold shower – no, Equius still had all the towels. He quickly turned around and attempted to stroll nonchalantly back the way he had come, abandoning Sollux, who simply whimpered, rocking back and forth. 

*******************

“…Thanks for the book, Kar.”  
“No problem. I never figured you for a reader, though.”  
“-Well, it gets to a point, a girl just needs some quiet time alone, you know?” 

He could certainly understand that; she had suitors practically slobbering over her any time she showed her face in the common areas. But wait, did this mean she wasn’t considering him at all? Was he simply beneath her notice? Or was she just not bothered by his company, unlike anyone else’s? Supremely unruffled, even; she just sat there, primly, in the dinky, poorly-lit lounge that nobody wanted to use, turning pages and seemingly indifferent to his presence, if not outright ignoring him. A new question struck him. 

“Those glasses aren’t just for show, then?” 

He was right up in her face, examining them. The glass was a lot thicker than he’d realized. Her head drew back a bit in surprise, but the high-backed chair prevented her from pulling away. 

She pouted up at him. “-What kind of pretentious hipster do you take me for, Kar?” 

“I just…never knew you were nearsighted, I guess?” 

She frowned a bit, and chewed her lip. “Not…exactly. See, I’m meant to live underwater, right? Air bends the light differently.” 

He couldn't help himself. “So you’re…walleyed?” 

Her pout deepened, grew angry. Suddenly, she had never been more attractive. 

_Oh, so that’s what a moue looks like,_ Karkat thought, mind going blank. A small, detached part of his brain berated him: _A lifetime of reading trashy romance novels and all you’ve gotten from it is a vocabulary that sounds like it came from a trashy romance novel?_  
_She’s upset, you idiot!_  
_…DO something about it!_

She was so perfect, there before him: those scowling eyes, the nose looking like it might sniffle if further offended, the lips curved into that delicious pout and parted _just so_ – 

_(and oh yes, **that,** it was never far from his mind now)_

His resolve broke.  
He leaned in. 

**moments in the future, but not many**  
They’ve somehow managed to fumble their way down the hall and into Karkat’s respiteblock while barely breaking their lip-lock. Ridane backs him across the room, hooks a foot behind his ankle, and they go crashing down together onto his bed, the impact knocking the breath out of him. She runs limber fingers over his shirt, rubbing at his collarbone. Still lying on top of him, she struggles to unlace and kick off her boots without letting him up, and then stretches out her legs to tug off his shoes with her stocking feet. He inhales sharply; never has the act of footwear removal been so erotically charged. He has a vague notion that this isn’t usually how the stories go, that he ought to be doing _something,_ but he’s at a loss as to _what_. Noticing his confusion, she gives him a wicked grin, wriggling up to press another kiss to his lips, while working her fingers up under his shirt this time. She sits up, practically kneeling on him, straddling his hips while her fingertips remain lightly planted on his chest. He can’t help but notice that her skirt is getting bunched up between them.  
“Soooo,” she sing-songs, “I’ve seen you staring, don’t lie! You want to see what’s under my skirt, don’t you?” That expression can only be called a smirk.  
“Hell yes,” Karkat says automatically. He doesn’t even need his brain for that one. In fact it might have been a liability, were it still working.  
“Are you SUUURE?” Her tone is sultry, and he blazes with the heat of it. And yet…he notes, with confusion quickly changing to concern, that though her mouth still smirks, her eyes have gone strangely shy. Just nerves? Seeing his chance, he finally seizes the initiative, reaching up to grab her head and pull her down for a quick, rough kiss. His actions would probably be described as “pawing over her with sweaty hands,” but what the hell.  
“I don’t even fucking care anymore.” he growls. “If it’s such a big deal to you, just leave the damned” _(heavenly)_ “thing on.”  
And those seem to have been the right words. 

**as much time in the future as is necessary, but not a whole lot more**  
Karkat sighs contentedly, sprawling on the bed. _That_ had been nice, but it did raise one last question that needed clearing up. He smiles lazily down at his lover, who is currently snuggling his stomach. Might as well get it over with, while they were both still in a good mood.  
“You mind telling me what this is all _about_ , Eridan?”  
A flinch; she – he – winces visibly at the name. The reply comes slowly, in a voice that threatens tears, and so soft and broken he can barely make it out. 

"…it…-was like you said…nobody wwanted me to be _me_ …” and _fuck_ , the accent is back, and that can’t be a good thing. Karkat reaches down to rub her, his, back soothingly. 

“Shh, shh. Only sweet whispers between lovers, now.” he croons. 

“…You’re…not mad?” 

He considers. Truthfully, he probably just doesn’t have the strength for that right now. But the more he thinks it over, the more the whole thing starts coming together. 

“That’s why you turned down Sollux,” he says finally. “He’d _never_ have stopped ragging on you about this. And Equius, he might’ve gone along with it because of your blood, but he’d probably have sweated himself down to a withered husk from your ‘100dness’. Anyhow, I bet he’s bad at keeping secrets from Nepeta, and she’s a terrible gossip.” 

The head on his stomach has pulled back, and he’s faced with a pair of horns hung in shame, ribbons coming undone and dangling messily from their previous exertions. He sets his hands on either side of that head, tipping it back, noting downcast eyes, an uneasy expression. They’d all been blind, he realizes; how could you _not_ pity someone so vulnerable? 

Tenderly, he pulls his lover’s face up to his own, meets those eyes, now bereft of glasses, and of their usual hope. Well, now. That won’t do at _all_. He pulls their mouths together for a kiss, full of passion and promises, or at least he hopes it is. It’s only his first time being the hero of a romance, and he has a sneaking suspicion he’s lacking in the “previous experience” such heroes seemed to have before they found The One (or occasionally The Two, but not until the sequel.) But for a first try, he has to admit, he doesn’t seem to be doing too badly. 

Finally breaking the kiss, he wraps an arm around the other troll’s shoulders, and reaches up to pat him – her? – his brain finally settles on “her” for the sake of convenience – on the head. He squeezes her tight, and with all the mush he can manage, murmurs, “You are _forever my own.”_

Long moments later, she is relaxing in his arms once again; one finger begins tracing slow circles over his bare chest. “So you aren’t going to tell them?” she says at last. A wary edge to her voice alerts him: he’s not quite out of the woods yet. 

He sighs, almost annoyed. But this is a leader’s job, isn’t it? To make sure everyone has what they need? To help them work to the best of their abilities? To keep his team from falling apart, both collectively and individually? 

Finally he reaches a decision, and grins, hiding his face behind one hand. “You can keep on being ‘Ridane’ as long as you like, for all I care,” he says, casually, “on one condition.” 

“Er… -what?” 

His grin widens. 

“Keep wearing that skirt.” 

**Author's Note:**

> Eridan’s not MTF, or dealing with a split personality; he’s just a transvestite (and an excellent actor.) Clothing is, after all, the easiest part of yourself to change! I vowed to wear my hair in pink-ribboned pigtails until I actually wrote this fic instead of just thinking about it; it took five days to finish. It was partly inspired by the March!Dualscar fic at http://homesmut.livejournal.com/5183.html?thread=3978815#t3978815. There is, indeed, a strange strength that comes from feeling sexy. Try it at home! Today, or tomorrow if it’s late, wear something daring, and wear it like you MEAN it. Or just do your hair a different way, or put on your “special occasion” stuff for a normal day.
> 
> Kanaya was in on it all along. _Somebody_ needed to show Eridan how to make himself look good (and make him a padded top). He either forgot to remove his rings or realized they’d leave obvious ring-marks if he did.
> 
> I _know_ Sollux =\= robots, okay? I just needed something for her to _shoot_ , and Jack was too dangerous!  
> For some reason, Ridane kept trying to write herself speaking in a Cockney accent. I blame the plaid. I wanted to add some Gamzee, too, but I couldn’t get him to say anything other than “mOtHeRfUcKiNg MiRaClEs,” which is probably about all he _would_ have to say on the matter.
> 
> One COMPLETELY UNRELATED note about bees and bananas: The honeybee’s alarm pheromone – the thing that encourages them to sting – smells very similar to banana; it’s probably not a great idea to eat bananas around bees. Just one more possible reason why it got Sollux all hot and bothered. And yes, I stole the gag from Scott Kurtz’s “PvP”. XD


End file.
